Round 1: The Automatic Salute
A man was sunbathing on a crowded beach completely stark naked, except for a sports cap strategically placed over his crotch.

An elegant woman walking past stopped, glared down at him with utter disgust, and sniffed, “You know, if you had any gentlemanly manners at all, you would lift your hat to a lady.”

The man didn’t even bother to open his eyes. He just replied, “Lady, if you were hot enough, the hat would lift itself.”

Round 2: Deep in the Heart of Terror
A blind elderly man decided to take his very first vacation to Texas, completely unprepared for the state’s legendary reputation.

The moment he felt around his airplane seat, his eyes widened. “Wow, these seats are absolutely enormous!”

“Well, partner,” his seatmate chuckled, “everything is bigger in Texas.”

Once he landed, the old man navigated his way into a local saloon and ordered a draft beer. The bartender slammed a monstrous, heavy mug between his hands. “Good grief,” the blind man gasped, “this glass is gigantic!”

“Everything’s bigger in Texas, my friend,” the bartender grinned.

Three heavy beers later, nature came calling. The bartender pointed him down the hallway: “Second door on your right.”

The blind man shuffled down the hall, but got disoriented, tripped over a cleaning bucket, and accidentally skipped the second door. Instead, he stumbled through the third door—which led straight out to the hotel’s Olympic-sized swimming pool.

Lose his balance, he plummeted face-first into the deep end. Thrashing wildly in the massive body of water and scared absolutely to death, the old man began screaming at the top of his lungs:

“DON’T FLUSH! PLEASE, GOD, DON’T FLUSH!”